The Super Fans

Setting : There are four overweight mustachioed men wearing dark sunglasses and mullets sitting around a rectangular table at a sports bar.  They are all drinking Polar beer.  On the walls are photos of Venezuela's football team, their baseball team, Simon Bolivar, and Hugo Chavez.  Inexplicably, they all speak English with a Chicago accent.

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- "Welcome back to da Super Fans, I'm Usnavy Ramirez, and we're here live from Bolivar's Bar in Caraca.  With me as always is Bladimiro Gonzalez" (he waves), "Yerry Gomez" ("yo!"), "and Yerry's brudder Unicef Gomez" (belches).  "Yesterday, da Vinotinto beat Messi and the Argentinian football team one - zilch.  Yeah, I'm as shocked as anyone.  I mean, I was expecting at least five goals.  Whad'you think'a da match, Yerry ?"

- "Well after their loss to the Ecuadorians, I had myself anudder heart attack." (Yerry winces with pain and touches his chest)  "So with this win, I can't complain.  Unicef ?"

- "Me, I'm a-looking forward to their match next month against our neighbors, Colombia.  You guys know how much I hate those Colombians.  But the boys are lookin' strong so I expect a three - zero win."

- "Oh come on, Unicef," starts Bladimiro.  "You show those Colombianos too much respect !  My money's on five for da Vinotinto - negative one for the Colombians." And Bladimiro drains his beer.

- "And how," asks Usnavy, "would it be possible for Colombia ta get negative points, Bladimiro ?"

- "Da Vinotinto would find a way."

- "Hypot'etical match-up : da Vinotinto take on world champs Spain.  Whad'ya say Yerry ?"

- "Three to zip."

- "Bladimiro ?"

- "four - two.  The Spanish played a good game and scored two goals."

- "And Unicef ?"

- "Five - oh.  Da Vinotinto's defense is like a wall, can't go t'rough it."

- "Well said, Bladimiro.  But this isn't the first time us Venezuelans have faced the Spanish.  Remember ?  Remember when Simon Bolivar, " (He looks up at Bolivar's picture and makes the sign of the cross) "whipped about 100,000 Spanish soldiers ?  So here's another hypot'etical : Bolivar takes on the whole Spanish football team by himself."

- "Well that's easy, 17 to zero."

- "14 - three, ol' Simon shows pity on the Spanish this time."

- "36 to nothing."

- "Okay, okay, last hypot'etical for dis show : Bolivar's resurrected body against God in a baseball game.  Now remember, God's a great ball player."

- "Six - four, it was a close one."

- "Well, I'm just a-hopin' that this game does not take place on Venezuelan soil, for it would surely spawn devastatin' hurricans and continent-ripping earthquakes.  Bolivar seven, God six.  Bolivar gets a two-run homer in the ninth."

- "14 - zip."

- "Well, that's all we have time for this evening, but please join us next week when we discuss armwrestling between Chavez and Bolivar.  Goodnight !"