Friday, November 22, 2013

The Colombian Exchange

I love to discover. Culture, geologic wonders, music, and food.  That's a big reason why I travel...to learn, to see, to hear, to taste new things. And when two cultures meet, the discoveries usually go both ways. When the Spanish came to the Americas they found potatoes, chocolate, guinea pigs, and syphilis. The Indigenous Americans discovered horses, sugarcane, and smallpox.

This is called today the Columbian Exchange. Without it, the Italians wouldn't have polenta, the Hawaiians pineapple, the Indians red hot chili peppers, or French youths their tobacco. Nor would Argentina have any gauchos without the exchange. And Colombia, without bananas or coffee from the Old World, would be totally dependent on their coca industry.

During my own travels, I've discovered Nutella in Europe, red bean paste in Korea, dulce de leche from Argentina, and terere from Paraguay.  On our first day in Colombia, I discovered a dozen wonderful fruits that I'd never seen before, such as lulo and guanabana.

But it just didn't seem right that I got to discover so much from the South Americans, but there was no exchange.  They weren't making any cultural or culinary discoveries from me.  I wanted to give them something from my culture, too, like the Spanish did 500 years earlier with pigeons, brown rats, artichokes, and bubonic plague.

And then, on my last visit to Mayapo beach, in La Guajira region, I was sitting at a table under a sombrilla with Pauline and some friends. Three older Wayuu women came up to us to try to sell us bracelets, of which we already had several each. We told them, "no, thanks," and they started to walk away until a shiny object of mystery caught one of the women's eyes. She approached the container, which glistened in the afternoon sun, with hungry curiosity, like a capybara. So we opened the jar, unveiled really, and offered her and her companions some of the chunky chunky peanut butter within.  Now, peanut butter can be found in supermarkets in South America. But it's quite rare outside of the major cities and is prohibitively expensive for most people.

All three tasted. I could see that they were delightfully puzzled as they tried to pry the peanut butter from the roofs of their mouths. And like a conquistador planting a Spanish flag into foreign soil, one bold woman lunged forward and plunged two fingers into the highly viscous paste to get some more before traipsing away cackling.  Discovery, indeed.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Choose Your Own Adventure : The Birthday Present

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE #76

YOU'RE THE STAR OF THE STORY
CHOOSE FROM SEVERAL ENDINGS

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT

BY : HUNK GARRETT


Chapter 1

It's Tuesday, and Maria's birthday is only days away. Maria's in the 10th grade and her parents haven't been able to think of a suitable gift. They'd like to give her something more personal than money but have only come up with a blank.  She's changed so much lately and spends more time with her friends than at home. What do you give a girl for that very special birthday ?

If Maria's having her quinceañera, or 15th birthday party (for Latin countries), go to chapter 2.

If Maria's having her sweet 16 (for Western countries), go to chapter 3.



Chapter 2

After a long discussion, Maria's parents decided that they would just ask her. She wouldn't be quite as surprised, but they wanted to be absolutely certain that she gets something she wants for her big day.

-Say, sweetheart, what would you like for your quinceañera present ?

-Gee, I wasn't sure if you'd ask. I've been giving it a lot of thought. I just hope you won't get mad.

To choose "some money or new clothes", go to chapter 4.

To choose "rhinoplasty", go to chapter 5.




Chapter 3

After discussion, Maria's parents decided that they would just ask her. After all, they wanted to absolutely certain that she gets something she wants for her big day.

-Say, sweetheart, what would you like for your sweet 16 ?

-Gee, I wasn't sure if you'd ask. I've been giving it a lot of thought. I just hope you won't get mad.

To choose "some money or new clothes", go to chapter 4.

To choose "rhinoplasty", go to chapter 5.




Chapter 4

-Yeah, I've been thinking that I could also start saving up for college or for a car. And I could always use some new clothes.

-You know, We think that's a great idea. We'd love to help you with that.




Chapter 5

-Huh, rhinoplasty.  That's really what you want ? Really ?

-Yeah, I just think that it'll help me make friends and help me gain some self-confidence.

If you have Latino parents, go to chapter 6.

If you have parents of any other origin, go to chapter 7.




Chapter 6

-You know, that's a great idea. Let's schedule it for tomorrow so that you'll be prettier for your party.




Chapter 7

-Hmm, how about a frontal lobotomy, or maybe electroshock therapy may be more apt.  Because it's clear that there's something seriously wrong with your head, not your nose. Let's schedule it for tomorrow so that you'll be smarter for your party.

To send Maria to a clinic for a frontal lobotomy, go to chapter 8.

To send Maria to a clinic for electroshock therapy, go to chapter 9.




Chapters 8 and 9 have been unfortunately ripped out from the novel !

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Catch-Veintidós

Here a little event that could have happened anywhere, but did happen in Colombia just before we finished up our contract.

Pauline got a little sick one afternoon.  With a mild fever, she took the day off in bed.  The next day, fever gone, she returned to work and was asked by her supervisor for a doctor-signed certificate proving that her first missed day of work in 18 months was really caused by an illness.  Where is the circle of trust ?

So she went to see the doctor, who refused to sign a form for someone who was feeling better. Sorry, I don't sign for the ex-febrile. Obviously, she should have crossed town in the 40 degree heat when ill and bed-ridden to receive, not medical treatment, but a signature.

Like I said, this little paradox can and does happen in most countries.  Just seemed like a nice little catch-22 to wrap up our time in Colombia.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Uuuuaahhaaahh (That's the sound of a yawn)

I always thought that I yawned because I was tired or because someone nearby had infected me. It was finally in Colombia that I learned the real story...

''Uuuuaahhaaahh,'' I said.

''Are you hungry ?,'' inquired the nearest Colombian.

''Hmm, I just ate lunch.''

If it were midnight and I yawned, ''Uuuuaahhaaahh,'' the nearest Colombain would always ask me, with surprise, ''You're hungry ? Really ?''

''Actually, I thought I was tired.''

''That's a new one to me,'' spake the Colombian.

According to so-called ''scientists'' and ''experts'', there are other more credible (or are they incredible ?) theories, such as for cooling down an overheated brain and stretching the eardrums. Or it could indicate epilepsy or a brain tumor...

But those Colombians know bet-  Wait, wait, did you just yawn during my article ?  Wanna sandwich ?

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

It's a Diminutive World, After All

Colombians have a funny way of talking.  Despite the fact that it's a big country (twice the size of Texas) of big mountains, big rainforests, big cities, and big boobs, the people don't have that big Texan need to dwell on all things large.  On the contrary, in nearly every uttered phrase in Colombia, you can find a noun, adjective, or adverb that gets shrunken with a wee -ito or -ico suffix when it passes a Colombian's lips.



For example, Colombians don't ask for a coffee, they order a cafecito con lechecita, roughly linguistically equivalent to a thimble-sized coffee with a shrew-teet's full of milk.  If they're a little hungry (tienen hambrecito), they're likely to order an arepita con quesito, or, literally, a pint-sized cornmeal patty with cheese from a runt cow (they'd call the animal a vaquita, not a vaca).

Of course, they don't always literally mean objects of dwarfish proportions, it's just, in my opinion, a more charming way to talk about familiar nouns.  In fact, only with baby animals (that I know of) is the diminutive literal.  Puppies and kittens would be called perritos and gaticos, respectively.


In all other cases, the diminutive is a friendlier nuance of the original.  If you'd rather not drink cafecito, well, then why not a juguito or a chocolatico calientico ?  We can eat junticos in a momentico.

Anything can be reduced in this country. The thin (flaco) can get even thinner (flaquito). Even the obese can and often do get verbally diminished. Tactless Colombians (there are many) will call out 'Hey gordito,' to get a colleague's attention.  Ouch.

It's a wonder (merveillita) that the country that linguistically reduces nearly everything also produced the renowned artist Fernando Botero, who painted and scuplted fat people, fat horses and birds, and even fat fruit. No, no, not gordo....gordito.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Mangled Myth : The Guajiran Origin of Fire

When I was young, I used to watch a cartoon on Sunday mornings called the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, about a flying squirrel and a moose who try to stop the evil Soviets Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale from evilly committing evil deeds.  But interspersed throughout the program were several other, shorter and unrelated cartoons.  One was called Fractured Fairy Tales, where a narrator tells a familiar tale (Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel, etc.), updated with unexpected twists.

Well, South America is a place full of legends and myths.  So I'd like to try my hand at updating and funkifying a myth from the Guajira, called the Origin of Fire.  This myth about the origin of fire is taken from Jose Enrique Finol's book "Mito y Cultura Guajira" (Universidad de Zulia, 1984).

It not only relates how the brave and resourceful Junuunay stole fire from the cave of the creator god Maleiwa, but also the origin of the firefly, and the dung beetle. It also signals the best kinds of wood to rub together to make a fire. So if you're ever stuck without a fire in the cold desert night of the Guajira Peninsula, seek out the caujaro tree and get rubbing.

---------------------

In the beginning, there was no fire.  The people never prepared food and ate their arepas raw, their meat dried, and their smores unmelted.  They were forced to lick their cigarettes, which satisfied no one. 

These pitiful people lived in trees and caves and holes like animals.  They were afraid of darkness.  They went to bed at seven o'clock at night and never went to discoteques.  The Spaniards found them quite a bore.

The Wayuu creator god, Maleiwa, had fire.  He was the only one.  He kept his burning stones in a secret cave.  He went there to warm his hiney and his food, and to smoke his Marlboros.  We wasn't afraid of the dark, so He went dancing 'til dawn.  With the Spaniards.

Maleiwa didn't want the people to have fire.  They might make steam engines and bananas Foster and Molotov cocktails.  No, these humans could not be trusted.

But one chilly night, when Maleiwa was warming His divine bones next to the fire, a young man named Junuunay came towards Him and the cave entrance, trembling.  Maleiwa was not happy.

"Hey you, trespasser ! Don't you know this cave is a no-go zone? It's where I keep my awesome magic fire-stones, fool !  My tush is already getting frosty, thanks to you !  Leave me !"

"No, have pity on me," Junuunay answered, pleadingly.  "It's colder than a witch's titty outside, and I lost my opposum loin cloth and iguana-skin boots in the village poker game.  I only wish get a wee bit of warmth on my skin and in my bones.  And then I will leave.  If you've got any whiskey, I'd love a sip, too. 

But Junuunay was quite the sneak; he used all of cunning tricks to convince Maleiwa. He made his teeth chatter, he gave himself goose bumps, he shivered like a lizard, and he rubbed his hands together until, finally, Maleiwa felt sorry for this hapless fellow and decided to let him in.

Both of them were rubbing their legs, rubbing their hands, and blowing into their hands.  Gettin' warm.  Junuunay's boldness grew with his warmth.  Suddenly, Junuunay exclaimed, "Maleiwa, look out !  It's your wife and she looks pissed !"  Maleiwa got scared and looked off into the distance.  Using this distraction, Junuunay grabbed two fire-stones, threw them in his satchel and bolted into the night.

Maleiwa, who wasn't married, realized He had been tricked and robbed.  His urge to punish humans rising, He set off after Junuunay.  "Ooohh, I'm gonna transform that varmint into an insect and make him eat dung."

Junuunay was a fast runner, but not nearly as quick as the creator god.  And so he gave one of the fire-stones to his friend Kenaa.  Kenaa took one of the stones and ran away unseen.  You see, he was indistinguishable from the other humans during the daytime, but at nighttime, his stone shone and gave away his whereabouts. So the next night, Meleiwa discovered him and turned him into a firefly to punish him.  Maleiwa liked to turn people into insects...which is why there so many insects in this part of the world.

Junuunay, also a fan of insects, found Jimut, the talking grasshopper.  "Hey buddy, the almighty Maleiwa is on my tail 'cause I stole some fiery rocks from His lair.  Here, take this last piece and hide it."

Jimut was called the talking grasshopper because he could understand the Wayuu language.  But he was a mute.  He just shook his little head and jumped in a Caujaro tree.  Then he jumped to another Caujaro tree and to another, spreading the magic of the stone to all the trees.  He also burned down a few forests in the process, starting the irreversible desertification of the Guajira.  Thanks Jimut.

One day the people saw Jimut, the mute talking grasshopper, in the tree, rubbing two sticks.  Small grasshopper-sized sticks. They tried it, too, and a flame appeared.  The people were so happy that they had fire.  Now they could cook their meals, smoke their Pall Malls, or burn down their enemies' huts.

Well Maleiwa did turn Junuunay into a dung beetle as promised, which made the creator feel real good for awhile.  But the mute talking grasshopper was already an insect and thus immune from Maleiwa's favorite spell. And, Maleiwa, with a Jehovian temper, was fed up with this insect-infested peninsula where the ungrateful inhabitants didn't even make monuments in His honor. He was feeling mean, so called up His friends the Spanish and asked if they were interested in acquiring some real estate on the coast.

And he left the Guajira to relocate to a great little island known as the Tierra del Fuego.  Sounds cozy.