Autobus Olympics

Over the past four months, we've traveled from Peru to Uruguay and back, passing through Bolivia, Paraguay, Argentina, and Chile on the way. There are quite a few differences between these countries, but the differences become more pronounced when comparing the three above the belt (Peru, Bolivia, and Paraguay) with those below (Chile, Argentina, and Uruguay). The latter would probably unfairly call it "civilization," thinking that genetics and history (they killed off all of their indigenous) have set them not only apart but above.

Whether it's related to genetics, the indigenous, or history, I don't know, but there is one domain in which I might agree with the Southerners : public transport. That is one part of Latin America I certainly won't miss. Getting on or off a bus is a competition of Olympic proportions from Paraguay all the way up to Venezuela. Elbows up, chin forward, eye on the door. No elderly man, pregnant woman, or crippled child will get in the way of a Latino's exit-from-bus victory. Someone must be keeping score and handing out award money or prizes or medals because those speedsters surely weren't rushing off to work.

Dolph, come back !

Most long-distance bus rides in South America have some kind of entertainment. Usually, it comes in the form of a dubbed Dolph Lundgren straight-to-video action flic. Considering the alternative, this is not a bad option. The alternative is Latin American music videos. Aaaaaahhhhh !

There are only two premises for Latin American songs : Love or broken hearts. That's it. The genre doesn't matter, salsa, merengue, cumbia, tango, vallenato, whatever, it doesn't matter.

The videos, by attempting originality, are all the same. Man is on a yacht with a half-naked woman on his shoulder, or man is next to a pool with half-naked woman, or man is riding a horse with a half-naked woman. The male singer - there is always a male singer - is pained because he's in love : the model on his yacht has just
bared her soul and most of her breasts. To demonstrate this, the videographer catches him and her in 14 different outfits, sometimes in color, sometimes black and white. Nauseating and mesmerizing at the same time.

But it does give you the opportunity to say something you never ever thought you'd say, "I hope this bus will be showing a Dolph Lundgren movie."

A Swede in Bolivia ? Oh la la...

French miners at Potosi

Most people, excepting some Bush-era Republicans, do actually like the French. Non, really, they adore the French. They may be reluctant to admit it, but they let it slip with every self-admiring use of rendez-vous, déjà vu, and oh la la. "Honey, there are some French doors on sale at IKEA this month." "Ooh la la." "Sweetie, where's the Pert Plus ? And what's this Garneer Fructis ?" "I switched brands. It's French - you should try it." "Ooh la la." and "Actually in some circles they refer to my syphilis as the 'French disease.'" "Ooh la la. I never realized it was so sexy. Voolay voo cooshay aveck moi say soi ?"

French hitchhikers near Sucre

By the way, the French actually write and pronounce that famous interjection "oh la la". The double-o vowel combo is considered uncouth and unsightly by the French and their language. Low-class words such as boob, booger, poop, ooze, and Oompa Loompa cause the French to wince.

French people making dinosaur tracks

Yes, we like the French, and we can't help it. Meeting a French person gives that same type of joy as seeing a toucan or a waterfall. " Ahhh, will you look at that ? A real French person." The people are ambassadors of their culture : the food, the style, the sexiness, the class, you know, that ol' Frenchiness. The French are a cultural Santa Claus for us. To the educational elite, they gave existentialism. To the humble poor, mayonnaise. They gave roulette to the hopeless gambler and romance to the hopeless romantic. Braille to the blind. Cinema for the sighted. Bras and bikinis for women. Etch a Sketch for kids. Loppers for the fellas.

Their history reads like the Game of Thrones. War, betrayal, check. Wedding massacres, double check. Beheadings, triple check. And those White Walkers in the North just seem like a particularly disgruntled and pasty group of Belgians. All they need now for their histories/stories to align is for a savior figure, Joan of Arc-like if you will, to be caught, sold, and burned at the stake. HBO would have made a killing if they showed French history as a reality show. Just don't you dare kill Arya.

French speakers in a cave

But in Bolivia, French tourists currently make up an estimated 12% of the population (By whom?, asks Wikipedia. By me.). Whenever we met light-skinned backpackers, we immediately spoke to them in French, not even wasting our time with English or Spanish. I wonder if the Plurinational Bolivian Government is considering adding French as a national language. There are so many French that the Bolivians have gotten a wee bit blasé about these people.  Up on the salt flats...des français. In the Potosi silver mine, encore des français. At Copacabana...putain, ils sont partout !

Esuidis ?

So when Pauline states proudly that she's French, the Bolivians tell her to get in line. Afterwards, I sheepishly add that I might be Swedish. Esuidis ? They have no clue where I'm from, or if I just ordered some raw meat, but they know I'm no French. Esuidis ! Welcome to Bolivia ! 

Paraguay The Hell Not ?

Paraguay is the heart of South America. Or perhaps the less-understood spleen of South America. It's surrounded and quite overshadowed by its larger and more visited neighbors Brazil, Argentina, and Bolivia. We spent three weeks in this wonderfully unknown land and met exactly two other travelers, a German and a Hungarian. This is most certainly because Paraguay lacks the big tourists draws of the other South American nations. No Iguazu falls, no Machu Picchu, no Rio de Janiero, no Salar de Uyuni, no Roraima.

Someone once asked me, about ten years ago or more, why I was going to visit South Korea. "I mean, um, France has the Eiffel Tower, Italy has the Coliseum. What does South Korea have ?" Later on, I heard she finally did get to go to Italy on her honeymoon and see lots of buildings that she'd already seen pictures of. Good for her.

Laguna Blanca at sunset

Termites, like Jesuits, can build, too

But if you do ask that question, "What does Paraguay have ?", I can definitively say, "one and a half places of touristic and photogenic merit." The first, in the southern town of Encarnacion, is the Jesuit-built and -abandoned cluster of missions. Nearly as beautiful as the Inca cities, but slightly diminished by their smallness and lack of altitude. The half is a very pretty lake in central Paraguay called Laguna Blanca. If this lake were in any other country, it'd just be a very pretty lake. But here in flat landlocked Paraguay, it's their only lake and their only beach.

Everything else in Paraguay - the landscapes, the people, the culture, the history - was so charming and naive that we quickly fell under their spell. A few descriptions and anecdotes might be in order to get a sense of this place.

• The vast majority of the country, in the countryside that is, looks the same. In Paraguay's case, that's not a bad thing. Everywhere you look, you see the same scene : clear blue skies, Irish-green vegetation, and more importantly, a bold burnt red dirt road. Over and over and over again, you confront this scene. After a while, it becomes like a harmonious visual soundtrack for the country. 

• Paraguay's most famous dish is called sopa paraguaya, or Paraguayan soup. Are you picturing a stew with big chunks of potato, tomato, beans, and corn ? Sounds delicious, but in reality, it's just a solid chunk of corn bread. Presumably to dip into real soup. And speaking of soup, Paraguayans might casually ask a young bachelor one day, "When are we going to eat soup?", soup evidently being an important dish at weddings. Whether that soup is liquid or solid I never discovered. 

• The dictator Alfredo Stroessner ruled the country with an iron fist for 35 years until a coup finally exiled him to Brazil. How did the people react to this vacuum ? They kept voting for the same party ! In fact, the Colorado party stayed in power for more than 60 years : before, during, and after the Stroessner regime. I think they just wanted to be on the winning side. The only reason the Colorados lost the election in the late 90's, I'm sure, was because they ran a woman for president. Only in Paraguay do they speak so reverently of their past strongmen dictators.

• Their favorite holiday is the Hallmark-created but Paraguay-championed International Friendship Day, a day in which you're expected to send friendly texts to your friends. Just don't expect one back unless you have the same phone company.

• Paraguayans don't drink mate as the Argentines do. In hot and humid Paraguay, the last thing you want to drink is a lip-burning mate. So instead, they pour ice-cold water over their mate, which they mix with various herbs, such as mint. This they call terere and drink in abundance all day long. While they gossip about the neighbors.

• Germans are everywhere in Paraguay. They're not tourists. They came as socialist anti-semitic utopians more than a century ago and set up settlements with names such as Nueva Germania. Those settlements failed, but the many of the Germans stayed. Then came the Mennonites from the USSR and Canada (both with German roots) who landed in the deserted region of the Chaco. A few nazis, such as Mengele, came by later, but from what I've read, they changed location every couple of years to evade the Israelis. In some parts, you can see as many signs advertising Zu Verkaufen as Se Vende (For Sale). But these Germans, like those in the Fatherland, generally worked hard and created thriving communities in hostile environments. This is a quality known to the Paraguayans as guapo, which means "hard-working", not "beautiful" like you learned in high school.

• Paraguayans are lovably naive and direct. Since every one of the very few tourists speaks Spanish, they assume (there is a logic there) that Spanish is the national language of France, Germany, and countless other countries. Most of us have a filter that tells us to shut up whenever ideas like "You're fat" or "You're so rich" come up. Paraguayans lack this filter. A Colombian might tell Pauline, "Your Spanish is really good." But a Paraguayan will tell me, "Her Spanish is so much better than yours." See the difference ?

• Paraguay has capybaras.

So if anyone asks you why you're going to Paraguay, just answer, Paraguay the hell not ?!