Paraguay The Hell Not ?

Paraguay is the heart of South America. Or perhaps the less-understood spleen of South America. It's surrounded and quite overshadowed by its larger and more visited neighbors Brazil, Argentina, and Bolivia. We spent three weeks in this wonderfully unknown land and met exactly two other travelers, a German and a Hungarian. This is most certainly because Paraguay lacks the big tourists draws of the other South American nations. No Iguazu falls, no Machu Picchu, no Rio de Janiero, no Salar de Uyuni, no Roraima.

Someone once asked me, about ten years ago or more, why I was going to visit South Korea. "I mean, um, France has the Eiffel Tower, Italy has the Coliseum. What does South Korea have ?" Later on, I heard she finally did get to go to Italy on her honeymoon and see lots of buildings that she'd already seen pictures of. Good for her.

Laguna Blanca at sunset

Termites, like Jesuits, can build, too

But if you do ask that question, "What does Paraguay have ?", I can definitively say, "one and a half places of touristic and photogenic merit." The first, in the southern town of Encarnacion, is the Jesuit-built and -abandoned cluster of missions. Nearly as beautiful as the Inca cities, but slightly diminished by their smallness and lack of altitude. The half is a very pretty lake in central Paraguay called Laguna Blanca. If this lake were in any other country, it'd just be a very pretty lake. But here in flat landlocked Paraguay, it's their only lake and their only beach.

Everything else in Paraguay - the landscapes, the people, the culture, the history - was so charming and naive that we quickly fell under their spell. A few descriptions and anecdotes might be in order to get a sense of this place.

• The vast majority of the country, in the countryside that is, looks the same. In Paraguay's case, that's not a bad thing. Everywhere you look, you see the same scene : clear blue skies, Irish-green vegetation, and more importantly, a bold burnt red dirt road. Over and over and over again, you confront this scene. After a while, it becomes like a harmonious visual soundtrack for the country. 

• Paraguay's most famous dish is called sopa paraguaya, or Paraguayan soup. Are you picturing a stew with big chunks of potato, tomato, beans, and corn ? Sounds delicious, but in reality, it's just a solid chunk of corn bread. Presumably to dip into real soup. And speaking of soup, Paraguayans might casually ask a young bachelor one day, "When are we going to eat soup?", soup evidently being an important dish at weddings. Whether that soup is liquid or solid I never discovered. 

• The dictator Alfredo Stroessner ruled the country with an iron fist for 35 years until a coup finally exiled him to Brazil. How did the people react to this vacuum ? They kept voting for the same party ! In fact, the Colorado party stayed in power for more than 60 years : before, during, and after the Stroessner regime. I think they just wanted to be on the winning side. The only reason the Colorados lost the election in the late 90's, I'm sure, was because they ran a woman for president. Only in Paraguay do they speak so reverently of their past strongmen dictators.

• Their favorite holiday is the Hallmark-created but Paraguay-championed International Friendship Day, a day in which you're expected to send friendly texts to your friends. Just don't expect one back unless you have the same phone company.

• Paraguayans don't drink mate as the Argentines do. In hot and humid Paraguay, the last thing you want to drink is a lip-burning mate. So instead, they pour ice-cold water over their mate, which they mix with various herbs, such as mint. This they call terere and drink in abundance all day long. While they gossip about the neighbors.

• Germans are everywhere in Paraguay. They're not tourists. They came as socialist anti-semitic utopians more than a century ago and set up settlements with names such as Nueva Germania. Those settlements failed, but the many of the Germans stayed. Then came the Mennonites from the USSR and Canada (both with German roots) who landed in the deserted region of the Chaco. A few nazis, such as Mengele, came by later, but from what I've read, they changed location every couple of years to evade the Israelis. In some parts, you can see as many signs advertising Zu Verkaufen as Se Vende (For Sale). But these Germans, like those in the Fatherland, generally worked hard and created thriving communities in hostile environments. This is a quality known to the Paraguayans as guapo, which means "hard-working", not "beautiful" like you learned in high school.

• Paraguayans are lovably naive and direct. Since every one of the very few tourists speaks Spanish, they assume (there is a logic there) that Spanish is the national language of France, Germany, and countless other countries. Most of us have a filter that tells us to shut up whenever ideas like "You're fat" or "You're so rich" come up. Paraguayans lack this filter. A Colombian might tell Pauline, "Your Spanish is really good." But a Paraguayan will tell me, "Her Spanish is so much better than yours." See the difference ?

• Paraguay has capybaras.

So if anyone asks you why you're going to Paraguay, just answer, Paraguay the hell not ?!