It's a Diminutive World, After All

Colombians have a funny way of talking.  Despite the fact that it's a big country (twice the size of Texas) of big mountains, big rainforests, big cities, and big boobs, the people don't have that big Texan need to dwell on all things large.  On the contrary, in nearly every uttered phrase in Colombia, you can find a noun, adjective, or adverb that gets shrunken with a wee -ito or -ico suffix when it passes a Colombian's lips.



For example, Colombians don't ask for a coffee, they order a cafecito con lechecita, roughly linguistically equivalent to a thimble-sized coffee with a shrew-teet's full of milk.  If they're a little hungry (tienen hambrecito), they're likely to order an arepita con quesito, or, literally, a pint-sized cornmeal patty with cheese from a runt cow (they'd call the animal a vaquita, not a vaca).

Of course, they don't always literally mean objects of dwarfish proportions, it's just, in my opinion, a more charming way to talk about familiar nouns.  In fact, only with baby animals (that I know of) is the diminutive literal.  Puppies and kittens would be called perritos and gaticos, respectively.


In all other cases, the diminutive is a friendlier nuance of the original.  If you'd rather not drink cafecito, well, then why not a juguito or a chocolatico calientico ?  We can eat junticos in a momentico.

Anything can be reduced in this country. The thin (flaco) can get even thinner (flaquito). Even the obese can and often do get verbally diminished. Tactless Colombians (there are many) will call out 'Hey gordito,' to get a colleague's attention.  Ouch.

It's a wonder (merveillita) that the country that linguistically reduces nearly everything also produced the renowned artist Fernando Botero, who painted and scuplted fat people, fat horses and birds, and even fat fruit. No, no, not gordo....gordito.

Mangled Myth : The Guajiran Origin of Fire

When I was young, I used to watch a cartoon on Sunday mornings called the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, about a flying squirrel and a moose who try to stop the evil Soviets Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale from evilly committing evil deeds.  But interspersed throughout the program were several other, shorter and unrelated cartoons.  One was called Fractured Fairy Tales, where a narrator tells a familiar tale (Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel, etc.), updated with unexpected twists.

Well, South America is a place full of legends and myths.  So I'd like to try my hand at updating and funkifying a myth from the Guajira, called the Origin of Fire.  This myth about the origin of fire is taken from Jose Enrique Finol's book "Mito y Cultura Guajira" (Universidad de Zulia, 1984).

It not only relates how the brave and resourceful Junuunay stole fire from the cave of the creator god Maleiwa, but also the origin of the firefly, and the dung beetle. It also signals the best kinds of wood to rub together to make a fire. So if you're ever stuck without a fire in the cold desert night of the Guajira Peninsula, seek out the caujaro tree and get rubbing.

---------------------

In the beginning, there was no fire.  The people never prepared food and ate their arepas raw, their meat dried, and their smores unmelted.  They were forced to lick their cigarettes, which satisfied no one. 

These pitiful people lived in trees and caves and holes like animals.  They were afraid of darkness.  They went to bed at seven o'clock at night and never went to discoteques.  The Spaniards found them quite a bore.

The Wayuu creator god, Maleiwa, had fire.  He was the only one.  He kept his burning stones in a secret cave.  He went there to warm his hiney and his food, and to smoke his Marlboros.  We wasn't afraid of the dark, so He went dancing 'til dawn.  With the Spaniards.

Maleiwa didn't want the people to have fire.  They might make steam engines and bananas Foster and Molotov cocktails.  No, these humans could not be trusted.

But one chilly night, when Maleiwa was warming His divine bones next to the fire, a young man named Junuunay came towards Him and the cave entrance, trembling.  Maleiwa was not happy.

"Hey you, trespasser ! Don't you know this cave is a no-go zone? It's where I keep my awesome magic fire-stones, fool !  My tush is already getting frosty, thanks to you !  Leave me !"

"No, have pity on me," Junuunay answered, pleadingly.  "It's colder than a witch's titty outside, and I lost my opposum loin cloth and iguana-skin boots in the village poker game.  I only wish get a wee bit of warmth on my skin and in my bones.  And then I will leave.  If you've got any whiskey, I'd love a sip, too. 

But Junuunay was quite the sneak; he used all of cunning tricks to convince Maleiwa. He made his teeth chatter, he gave himself goose bumps, he shivered like a lizard, and he rubbed his hands together until, finally, Maleiwa felt sorry for this hapless fellow and decided to let him in.

Both of them were rubbing their legs, rubbing their hands, and blowing into their hands.  Gettin' warm.  Junuunay's boldness grew with his warmth.  Suddenly, Junuunay exclaimed, "Maleiwa, look out !  It's your wife and she looks pissed !"  Maleiwa got scared and looked off into the distance.  Using this distraction, Junuunay grabbed two fire-stones, threw them in his satchel and bolted into the night.

Maleiwa, who wasn't married, realized He had been tricked and robbed.  His urge to punish humans rising, He set off after Junuunay.  "Ooohh, I'm gonna transform that varmint into an insect and make him eat dung."

Junuunay was a fast runner, but not nearly as quick as the creator god.  And so he gave one of the fire-stones to his friend Kenaa.  Kenaa took one of the stones and ran away unseen.  You see, he was indistinguishable from the other humans during the daytime, but at nighttime, his stone shone and gave away his whereabouts. So the next night, Meleiwa discovered him and turned him into a firefly to punish him.  Maleiwa liked to turn people into insects...which is why there so many insects in this part of the world.

Junuunay, also a fan of insects, found Jimut, the talking grasshopper.  "Hey buddy, the almighty Maleiwa is on my tail 'cause I stole some fiery rocks from His lair.  Here, take this last piece and hide it."

Jimut was called the talking grasshopper because he could understand the Wayuu language.  But he was a mute.  He just shook his little head and jumped in a Caujaro tree.  Then he jumped to another Caujaro tree and to another, spreading the magic of the stone to all the trees.  He also burned down a few forests in the process, starting the irreversible desertification of the Guajira.  Thanks Jimut.

One day the people saw Jimut, the mute talking grasshopper, in the tree, rubbing two sticks.  Small grasshopper-sized sticks. They tried it, too, and a flame appeared.  The people were so happy that they had fire.  Now they could cook their meals, smoke their Pall Malls, or burn down their enemies' huts.

Well Maleiwa did turn Junuunay into a dung beetle as promised, which made the creator feel real good for awhile.  But the mute talking grasshopper was already an insect and thus immune from Maleiwa's favorite spell. And, Maleiwa, with a Jehovian temper, was fed up with this insect-infested peninsula where the ungrateful inhabitants didn't even make monuments in His honor. He was feeling mean, so called up His friends the Spanish and asked if they were interested in acquiring some real estate on the coast.

And he left the Guajira to relocate to a great little island known as the Tierra del Fuego.  Sounds cozy.

My Little Negro

Imagine this disturbing scene, if you can :

A car pulls up to a curb and rolls down the window.  The light-skinned driver shouts out to a black man who is walking on the sidewalk, “Hey, my little negro !, come here !”.  And the black man hurries over to give directions to the white driver, at which point, he might say, “thank you my little negro” and then he drives away.

In what time period would you place this scene ?

There are cars, so logically it's gotta be sometime after the 1920's. With civil rights movements happening around the globe (except South Africa), it certainly couldn't be after the 60's.

Surely, you decide, this is a scene from the 1940’s or 50’s.  But nay, this a scene repeated day in and day out here in Colombia.

But the locals swear they’re not racists.  ''Mi negrito'' and ''mi negrita'' are terms of affection !  Incredibly it bothers no one.

Try calling out the same terms of affection in the some city in the States and see if anybody minds.

The Boys from Colombia

The Spanish word for monkey is "mono".  Except for in Colombia, where they use the word "mico".  The word "mono" does exist here, it just has a different meaning : blond.  Colombians will describe me with the term "mono", even before they see me in a tree.

How did this mix-up happen ?  Well, I have a theory. You see, we spent part of our Spring Break in Tayrona National Park where the Sierra Nevada mountains crash into the Caribbean Sea.  And while there, we saw the most curious little primate, the Cotton-Top Tamarin.

Obviously, Franz Liszt's henchmen pianists Charles-Camille Saint-Saëns and Charles-Valentin Alkan took some samples of Liszt's DNA and semen with them to South America so that they could recreate the genetics and life of the Hungarian piano-playing virtuoso.

And then some cheeky monkey stole the samples, obviously ! 

See the family resemblance ? The monkey below is trying to play the tree trunk !

[Written in 2012]